Tomorrow is the first anniversary of my mom’s death. After everything we had been through together, good and bad, this month has been hard emotionally for me. Because she was ill for so very long, we were fortunate she held on (despite tremendous pain and suffering) to give us so much more time together than we thought we were going to get when she was diagnosed with cancer. She was able to see and share in moments she never thought she could – the birth of her granddaughter and the chance to see her first few years. Now my daughter has memories of her Nana, which I am thankful for.
It’s the little things that are getting to me, the sharp moments of pained surprise like helping my daughter pick out a card for her Grandma (my mother-in-law) and realizing that we weren’t going to do that for my mom for the first time. Seeing my little girl in her first play and realizing my mom wasn’t going to see it. I’m feeling more emotionally sensitive too. Odd, unrelated moments bring tears to my eyes that wouldn’t normally. I think my tongue is a little sharper too but my oh so patient husband could speak to that more than I…
Beyond the pain is peace as well. I had time to come to grips with the loss of her before the time came, which helped me enjoy our time together more fiercely and thoroughly. I have little treasures of her at home and in my office, keeping the memory of her near. In my office, it’s an interesting mix of keepsakes – there’s what you would expect (pictures of her) but there is also one of her paintings and the first gift I gave her after I moved away from home.
So here’s to my mom, who lived her life on her own terms, with a strength, verve and determination that I hope I can match. She never let obstacles or bad times keep her down forever and even death came when she was ready and not the other way around. I hope to be able to pass on the good memories and good lessons to my daughter. Never forgotten, Mom – your best lives on in your son, daughter and granddaughter. I know you were proud of that and I am too. I love you, Mom.