The Corporate Woman

Tomorrow is the first anniversary of my mom’s death.  After everything we had been through together, good and bad, this month has been hard emotionally for me.  Because she was ill for so very long, we were fortunate she held on (despite tremendous pain and suffering) to give us so much more time together than we thought we were going to get when she was diagnosed with cancer.  She was able to see and share in moments she never thought she could – the birth of her granddaughter and the chance to see her first few years.  Now my daughter has memories of her Nana, which I am thankful for. 

It’s the little things that are getting to me, the sharp moments of pained surprise like helping my daughter pick out a card for her Grandma (my mother-in-law) and realizing that we weren’t going to do that for my mom for the first time.   Seeing my little girl in her first play and realizing my mom wasn’t going to see it.  I’m feeling more emotionally sensitive too.  Odd, unrelated moments bring tears to my eyes that wouldn’t normally.   I think my tongue is a little sharper too but my oh so patient husband could speak to that more than I… 

Beyond the pain is peace as well.  I had time to come to grips with the loss of her before the time came, which helped me enjoy our time together more fiercely and thoroughly.  I have little treasures of her at home and in my office, keeping the memory of her near.  In my office, it’s an interesting mix of keepsakes – there’s what you would expect (pictures of her) but there is also one of her paintings and the first gift I gave her after I moved away from home.

So here’s to my mom, who lived her life on her own terms, with a strength, verve and determination that I hope I can match.  She never let obstacles or bad times keep her down forever and even death came when she was ready and not the other way around.  I hope to be able to pass on the good memories and good lessons to my daughter.   Never forgotten, Mom – your best lives on in your son, daughter and granddaughter.  I know you were proud of that and I am too.  I love you, Mom.

Tags: death, Family, loss, love, memories, mom

My daughter is six years old and very imaginative.  Her creativity fascinates me.  This week, she lost her second tooth – let me tell that it has seemed both a dramatic and funny saga that I simply had to share.  Maybe it will make you laugh too (-:

It starts like this… On a dark and stormy night – oh wait, wrong story.   <rummage, rummage, rummage> Ah, here it is… About a week ago, her second tooth (bottom, center, right) reached a point where it was hanging by minuscule means.  So we began the nightly practice of me asking for one chance to gently tug on the tooth to remove it and her having dramatic hysterics for at least ten minutes before reluctantly letting me try.   Each night, no success (I am fortunate if I can even get a hold of the tooth, much less actually tug).

On Monday night, I finally get to reach in there and it pops right out.  But she is still wailing and begging me not to pull it out.  I start laughing so hard that I can’t even show her the tooth is already out.  She gets more upset that I am laughing.  Finally, I manage some semblance of control and show her the tooth and like magic, all tears and various other symptoms of histrionics disappear.  She is now all smiles.

But suddenly, a new concern rears its ugly head – tomorrow is her playdate with her best friend Esther and she has to show her this tooth.  So nothing will do but we must find a hiding place for the tooth, so the tooth fairy will not take it.  And, to be totally certain there is no misunderstanding, we must leave her a note, in case she ransacks the house looking for the tooth in hiding and takes it.  You can imagine our thoughts at this point, right?

The tooth is fortunately still there to be shown to her best friend and is dutifully placed on the nightstand for pick up by the tooth fairy.  This morning in the car, my little girl starts telling me that the tooth fairy can walk through walls (must be a great skill to have, better than the chimney gig).  She also states, quite firmly, that the tooth fairy gives a kiss for every coin you receive.  Two gold coin dollars translates to two kisses.  Okay, I am with her there although I don’t recall kissing her at that point.  I recall desperately trying to sneak out her room as quiet as I could, despite the various toy obstacles leftover from the previously mentioned playdate.  Then she declares that the first kiss is felt but the second one cannot be felt.  Perhaps because the tooth fairy is already dematerializing in preparation for heading out through the wall, on to her next appointment.

So I walked into work this morning with a big smile on my face, because I had such a great start to my day.  A story moment to treasure and share.  My day is good!

Tags: daughter, Family, love, memories, treatsure

I admit to fear and to worry and to doubt.  I am fortunate in these times of fear and uncertainty, where many are suffering the most dramatic and awful change of their lives.  I am thankful, every day, for what I have:  my good health (and health insurance), my loved ones (and their good health), my great job (that I am lucky to love) and the basics we all need (food, shelter, etc…).  My heart goes out to those who are suffering because I remember earlier days where a roof over my head was uncertain, not much food (so thankful for free school lunch programs) and no health insurance (or money for much needed medicines, like my asthma inhaler).  I remember and my heart cries out for them.

What I wonder about is the thread of small, angry voices I hear on the web.  Why?  Is it fear that causes some to rant and say others deserve such awful reversals of fortune?  Is it spite or small mindedness?  Self-righteousness and smug insensitivity?  I guess I just don’t get it.  Yes, some are in their current situations due to unwise choices.  I don’t know about you but I’ve made more than a few “unwise choices” in my life and had to live with those consequences.  This doesn’t mean that I don’t feel for them though.  It doesn’t mean that I take pleasure or feel smug about their situation.  I know I am not alone in this because I read and hear those voices too – the wondering ones who feel empathy and are thankful for what they have.

Each day, I will live in joy (for my good fortune) and fear (that it might somehow go awry) and empathy (for those who have lost so much).  I suspect, this is how my year will go.  How about you?

Tags: Change, Endurance, Fear, Spirit

Sorry for not posting for a bit but I have been sick (again) and feeling pretty muzzy when I am awake.  Not exactly at my stellar best when I am upright and (relatively) mobile.  I have the opportunity to work from home on some days, which definitely helps but I still operate at something less than optimal brain efficiency.  Add to that – my husband and daughter are both getting tagged with each cold/flu/whatever. 

Due to a weakness in my lungs (long story/another post covering allergies, asthma and turpentine), I get sick quite a lot during the winter.  I’ve learned to manage, no doubt just like all of you. 

My top things:  drink lots of warm tea (preferably with honey and lemon) and work from home whenever I am able and sick (which helps me rest more and not share the germs with co-workers).  What are your top tips for working through illness?

Tags: Family, Health

I have a lovely, long holiday planned with my husband and daughter.  Sixteen days off.  A rare thing in my life.  Normally, I only have a week off at a time (total of nine days), so this rarity will be something to treasure.  I’ve spent a fair amount of time the past few weeks encouraging my team to do the same.  For a Customer Insights organization, the end of the year is not a crazy one like some parts of the org, more a time to wrap up projects. 

I believe in setting a goal to try to get to zero by the end of the year when it comes to vacation time.  There is a reason we get that time off – it’s for balance, for health – both physcial and mental.  And it’s important to take time off.  This year, I won’t quite make zero – I’ll be short by a day and a half but that’s pretty darn close.  And it’s important to remember that there’s no award or recognition for not taking time off.  So if you are one of those types – you know the ones, the hoarders of time (I am a reformed hoarder, so I know what it’s like) – then try it for just one year.  Make it your goal in 2009 to get to zero vacation days by the end of the year.  You never know, if you try it once, you might find you’ll never go back to hoarding again.

Tags: Balance, Customer Experience, Family, Health, Vacation, Wholeness, Work

This past weekend was wonderful!  My daughter turned six and I was so happy to see her light up with joy and excitement this weekend.  She had her party, which she enjoyed immensely.  We took her out to dinner and an evening show of the Nutcracker ballet for the first time, which she thought was neat.  She was amazed at all the little girl ballerinas.  She has always loved that story, so it helped make the ballet come alive for her.  Seeing the whole weekend through her eyes was so sweet and poignant.  What happy memories we made – and memories, that’s what we have of the past, isn’t it?  Even though those are imperfect things, those memories, it’s what gives us the grounding for our today’s. 

Do you ever think about how we shade our memories, how they are never quite the way something actually happened but still, they are all that we have?  I know how I remember this weekend… how will she?  What are the differences?  Do the differences matter? 

Trust me to get all introspective at moments like this, I suppose.  The joy of the holidays and the making of happy memories is so powerful to me.  I just want to savor every bit of it.

Tags: Family, Self-Clarity

This morning we learned that Shawn’s grandfather passed away.  He passed away in his sleep, apparently peacefully, which is a blessing.  It is sad but also good to note that he had a good life, long and rich (he was in his nineties).  He is survived by his wife and children.  This is the third death in the family this year (four if you count one of our kitties).  A sad year indeed.  It’s made me think a great deal about loss and how people respond. 

Another thing that has been on my mind has been the concept of a funereal.  It raises all sorts of questions – is it appropriate to take small children?  How much will the little one understand vs. simply be restive and anxious?  When my mom passed away, we were there and I gave my daughter the option on whether she wanted to see her Nana and say goodbye.  She chose to see her but I would have been fine with either choice she could have made.   Either way, it is always a hard thing to go through for the adults and the children.  Probably one of the reasons I don’t want a funereal – I want an old-fashioned wake.  I want my friends and family to celebrate the memories.  Joy vs. solemn – that’s my choice.  What’s yours?

Tags: Family, Self-Clarity

Yes, it is that time of year.  Do you dread it or love it?  Me, I love it.  I enjoy the long weekend for Thanksgiving as a chance to celebrate and give thanks but also it is time to put up the tree (one of my favorite parts).  Our tree is a collective experience.  It makes me wonder how other people do their tree – is it a never changing thing, a new theme every year or a gradual build (like mine)?  Years ago, I gave in to my love of Victoriana on trees and set a theme.  Our tree is a lovely nine footer, filled with beautiful Victorian ornaments collected in reds, pinks, creams, golds & silver.  Every year, I buy a few new ones to add to the tree and love that process as well.  It’s almost like greeting an old friend each time it goes up.  My husband loves the tree so much that we have an ongoing discussion after New Years as to when it can actually come down.  Yes, we are one of those… the earliest I think it ever came down was Valentines.  The latest was early May.  As you can imagine, we get lots of compliments on the tree but also lots of eye rolls and good humored digs.  I think that Shawn would keep the tree up year round, if he could.  Me, I like to put it away (eventually) and greet it again after Thanksgiving… I think it means a bit more to me that way.  But yes, I like to keep up for longer than the typical season as well.  I have to wonder if we are the only ones…

Tags: Family, Self-Clarity

The Tea Fire here in SB is finally under control (I call it at 80% – I know that’s not a 100% but that is pretty darn good compared to completely uncontrolled).  I don’t know about others, but I struggled with how to feel all weekend.  On the one hand I felt so happy that we didn’t end up having to evacuate, much less lose our home.  On the other hand, I felt so awful for those who did lose their homes (no lives lost, fortunately) and I ended up sneezing and wheezing all weekend from allergies to the air quality, which added a layer of yuck to the whole thing.  It was a crazy surreal weekend, filled with thoughts like… is it okay if I decide we will still go out to eat this weekend, like we do as a family just about every weekend?  And yes, we did go out to eat.   And we saw a lot of others do the same but there was more greetings and “is your home safe?  I am so glad to see you!” even from the staff.  What amazing grace and strength we have as human beings, what wonderful small tales will go untold during this tragedy.   So I can embrace the feel good and feel bad at the same time.  Guess that just makes me human (-:

Tags: Change, Family, Health

Today, we get a call, bright and early from my daughter’s new pediatrician’s office letting us know there was a cancellation in the schedule tomorrow and could we please move our original appointment for our daughter’s annual well child from January 2009 to tomorrow.  Now, to put this into perspective, we don’t know this doctor yet, that’s part of the plan for this visit.  And now, we have a last minute switch.  Well, I am a fortunate woman because my husband is a fantastic stay at home dad but there’s a line here right?  What things are musts vs. nice to have when it comes to your child’s life?  It’s not a lack of trust in my husband, it’s really about wanting to be present for certain things.  So what do  I do… I frantically go through my afternoon schedule and beg for patience while I reschedule the block of time so I can be there.  Because it’s important to be present as part of the balance, in my view.  Some choices and tradeoffs have to made, I know that but this time, I was lucky, because I could manage the last minute reschedules – next time I might not be so lucky.  But for this week, I made it.

Tags: Balance, Family, Work